Ew David, These Are Some of Schitt’s Creek’s Best Quotes

David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican! 

That’s just one of many bits of dialogue from the beloved Schitt’s Creek we’re going to find ourselves missing as the show wraps up tomorrow night. Sure, we’ve got five seasons to watch on Netflix and a sixth to watch on Pop, but nothing will ever top hearing some of those lines for the first time, and suddenly finding ourselves with incredible images in our heads.

Back in season three before David (Dan Levy) ever met and fell in love with Patrick, he had a little fling with a guy named Jake, and when Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara) caught Jake stepping out of the shower, she looked at her horrified son and spoke those words to him, giving us a line that even Levy picked as one of his favorites. 

“The ‘disgruntled pelican’ line was something I think I’m most proud of, only because Catherine came up with so many good lines for herself, that it really was like, if we could get a line in there that that was on par with some of the stuff that she was doing, then success,” he told E! News ahead of the finale. “And to see the kind of internet life that that has had has been quite remarkable.” 

“I think I have a favorite line for every character, and I’m sure they’re all in memes and GIFS or GIFs [pronounced like JIFs], floating around the internet somewhere,” he continued. “And that’s kind of a lovely comfort knowing that this show will be around on the internet for quite some time, I think.” 

Levy did not share with us his picks for the best lines of every character, but we can share our own! 

Moira Rose 

“Where is bebe’s chamber?”

“How mercurial is life…we all imagine being carried from the ashes by the goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum & Bailey.” 

“Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?” (It was a sonogram.) 

“Fear not, she hath risen!” 

“Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up!” 

“Oh, I’d kill for a good coma right now.” 

“There’s nothing here but hot singles in my area.” 

Alexis: “What’s your favorite season?” 
Moira: “Awards.” 

“I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion? I had to be both puppet and puppeteer!”

“If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.”

“It’s probably nothing, but I think I’ve killed a MAN!” 

“I don’t know what to do, David. The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week!”

“A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.” 

“I would be pleased to RSVP as Pending.” 

“This wine is awful. Get me another glass.” 

Alexis Rose 

“I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think I’m funny and smart and charming.”

“I don’t skate through life, David. I walk through life, in really nice shoes.” 

“What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

“Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

“Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.”

“So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.”

“I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.”

“Hello, my name is Alexis Rose represented by Alexis Rose Talent. I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed, limited reality series, A Little Bit Alexis. Feel free to sing along if you know the words! 

I’m a Lamborghini/I’m a Hollywood star/I’m a little bit tipsy/when I drive my car/I’m expensive sushi/I’m a cute huge yacht/I’m a little bit single/even when I’m not/I’m a little bit/I’m a little bit/I’m a little bit/I’m a little bit/La la la la la la la/A little bit Alexis”  

And of course: “Ew, David!” 

Johnny Rose

“Moira, you’re having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says, ‘tweet us on Facebook!’ Or uh, ‘leave us a review!’ And you say, yeah, yeah, okay, I think I will.”

“Well, David, these kinds of parties take time, and planning. Now, when I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother’s 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.” 

“Oh, look at David. Smart enough to get that joke, but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters in the middle of summer.”

“You’re not the only one with an online presence.”

“Welcome. Hope you’re enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way.”

David Rose

“You might want to rethink the nightgown first — there’s a whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing happening. My best to Bob Cratchet.”

“I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year.”

“I’m trying very hard not to connect with people right now.” 

“Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist.” 

“I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.” 

“I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” 

“Don’t be a little B!” 

“I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early.” 

“I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to occasionally sample the rose, and a couple summers back I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay. I like the wine, not the label.” 

Schitt’s Creek‘s series finale airs Tuesday at 8 p.m., followed by a behind-the-scenes documentary on Pop. 

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